I got an email the other day from Beyoncé Knowles. Yes. That Beyoncé. Because that's the kind of guy I am, that's why.
It opens:
[Cloudbuster]-- (We're on a first name basis!. Name changed to protect something or other.)
I usually don't email you (That's the kind of considerate girl she is. She knows that I am so swamped by email from rich, famous, beautiful singers and starlets that I might not have noticed that she and I haven't recently communicated. Apology accepted, sweetie!)
-- but I have an amazing invitation I have to share. (And she immediately thought of me!)
Jay and I will be meeting up with President Obama for an evening in NYC sometime soon. And we want you to be there! (Of course you do, baby. Of course you do. Hanging with Beyoncé, Jay and the Prez. That's my scene!)
The rest is just the details. I won't bore you with it. She closes:
Can't wait to meet you! (Likewise, darlin'!)
Love, (!!)
Beyoncé
I don't think you have to be a mind-reader to see what she's getting at. Beyoncé , dearest, if you're reading this, you know my feelings for you are strong, but I'm not that kind of guy. I have to know that it's over for you and Jay-Z before I give "us" a chance. Jay, don't hate me. This isn't my fault -- you can't restrain my kind of charisma. I'd never come between you and your girl. But if she's lookin' my way, you know you have to do better at keeping her happy!
Beyoncé, I'll be there for you and the Big O-Face, as his buddies call him. You just let me know when you've made up your mind.

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